Leena charged into Sickbay. Word of Tom's collapse in the mess
hall had spread quickly throughout the ship. Her recent commitment,
still in its formative stages, was already being seriously tested. "Tom?" She looked around anxiously.
He lay prone on the surgical bed. He looked horrible. His
skin was pasty, his eyes were sunken and yellow, and his hair was
plastered to his forehead from sweat. The Doctor hovered over him
almost constantly, injecting him with hyposprays or waving other
instruments over his body. Leena also noticed the Doctor's grim,
troubled expression. She knew about Tom's antagonistic relationship
with the hologram. Tom's condition had to be serious for the Doctor to
look so concerned. "Oh, Tom...."
Leena felt a hold on her arm. She was surprised to see that Kes
had snuck up on her without being noticed. "You mustn't disturb the
Doctor right now," the little Ocampa said in her contradictory low
voice. "He's in the middle of an intricate procedure."
"Is he going to be okay?"
"We're doing all we can for him," Kes answered after pondering a
moment. Her eyes, normally alight with cheer and optimism, were
noticeably darker, less confident.
Leena heard Tom grunt with discomfort. She looked over and saw
him squirming on the table. "This isn't fair," she said almost to
herself. "He's suffered through so much adversity his whole life. This
was his one great chance to come out ahead, and look what happens."
"Tom's a survivor. He'll get through this."
The buzz of the force field caught Leena's attention. The Doctor
had completed his procedure and was coming to meet his visitor. "He's
stable for the time being, but I don't know how long he'll stay that
way. It's almost like his body is adapting to every treatment I'm
performing."
Leena had not been aware of the isolation field before. "Why is
there a force field around him?"
"It was necessary to create an atmosphere that he could breathe. The shuttle flight somehow caused radical changes to the lieutenant's
physiological and biochemical structures. As a result, Lieutenant Paris
is no longer capable of breathing an oxygenated atmosphere."
"Oh, my God." She looked at Tom, worried. "You can fix him
though, can't you, Doctor? Return him to normal?"
"Perhaps, if I could stop the deterioration of his cellular
membranes. Whatever happened to him has also caused his cells to stop
converting the fat and proteins in his body."
"Leena?"
Tom had turned his head toward the trio, but still lay flat on the
table. His voice sounded tired, lifeless. Leena swallowed the lump
forming in her throat. She walked over as close as she could get to him
until she felt the tingle of electricity against her skin. "Hi, Tom."
"I think I know why I couldn't get it up now."
Leena smiled apologetically. "At least your priorities haven't
changed."
"You know what I'm really going to miss? The way your hair
smells. It kinda reminds me of my mother's. You must use similar
shampoos."
"You sound like you're never going to see me again. You're going
to be okay, Tom. The Doctor's working very hard to cure you."
Tom closed his eyes and turned away. "No, I'm not getting out of
here. I'm gonna be stuck inside this room for the rest of my life. I'll never be able to touch you or kiss you or do anything with you to
cement our relationship because I don't breathe the same air anymore."
"I may have been hard to get, Tom, but you'll find I'm even harder
to get rid of. The Doctor will stop what's happening to you and return
you to normal. You'll see."
"I wish I could believe that, but - ungh." His body spasmed
involuntarily. Tom looked seriously distressed. Then the console
monitoring his vital signs trilled. The Doctor appeared immediately at
Tom's bedside.
"I'm sorry, Lieutenant, but visiting hours are over." He spoke
into the console, but Leena assumed he addressed her.
"No, I can't leave. He needs to know that I'll always be here for
him."
"Well, now he knows. I don't need you in here distracting
everyone while I'm working."
The Doctor's brusqueness aggravated her. She would have tried to
pick him up and shake some sense into him if it were possible. Kes must
have seen or sensed her mood, for she was again at Leena's side. "It's
all right, Lieutenant. Tom's just feeling sorry for himself right now."
"I know. I don't want him to have to go through this alone."
Kes smiled tenderly. "He won't be, because your heart will still
be here with him, along with those of all his other friends." It
sounded like a romantic cliche, but somehow the young woman made it
sound more like a simple statement of fact. "I'll let you know if
anything happens."
Leena unconsciously pushed her spoon around a bowl of stew while
she stared out through one of the bay windows in the mess hall. It had
been nearly an hour since she left Sickbay with Kes' dulcimer words
soothing her agitated mood, but she still felt discontent. To see Tom
in need of help and be unable of offer any was a moment she did not
enjoy or wish to experience again. She was used to being in control of
situations, or at least appearing to have control. In Sickbay there was
nothing to assume except a feeling of helplessness. Leena was disgusted
to think how weak and pathetic she must have appeared.
A few more people were leaving, thinning out the already sparse
attendance of late diners. Not that it mattered to her. She hadn't
really come to eat and banter with people she barely knew. She wanted
to find a quiet place where she could reflect upon the tumult of her
relationship with Tom and wait for Kes to find her.
"Is the stew not to your liking? I could fix up something else for
you."
Leena looked up at Neelix's unexpected arrival, and with annoyance
looked away again. She should have expected that Neelix would try
poking his nose into her affairs. "No, thank you. Guess I'm just not
hungry."
"Ah," he said, nodding comprehension. He clasped his hands over
his stout frame. "Just as I thought. There's something bothering you,
isn't there? Do you need someone to talk about it? I've always found
that sharing problems with a friend makes me feel better."
"I just want to be left alone, Mr. Neelix. Besides, I hardly know
you well enough to call you a friend."
His whiskers drooped noticeably. "Oh, I see. Well, sorry to have
bothered you."
The hurt in his voice prompted Leena to look up just in time to
see him shuffle back to the kitchen. With a pang of guilt she realized
how cold she must have sounded. He was only trying to help, and
although she didn't want it she could have been much more civil in
declining his offer. She opened her mouth to apologize but Neelix was
already too far away to be discreet. Leena sighed and stared out into
space again, frustrated even further.
She didn't know how much longer she had sat there when Kes finally
appeared. The Ocampa's voice was brooding. "Lieutenant Calloway."
Leena looked up quickly. Kes' expression confirmed what she had
heard. Her stomach tightened. "It's not good news, is it?"
Kes shook her head. "I'm afraid not."
"How bad is he?"
For the longest moment Kes simply stared at her. Her jaw muscles
twitched furiously, and she looked away. Leena could tell that she was
searching for the right words, to deliver as soft an impact as she
could. At that moment Leena knew, even before the Ocampa's eyes met her
again. "I'm very sorry, Leena. He's gone."
A hollow feeling enveloped Leena. She wanted to get angry, to
yell and cry over the injustice of losing yet another person whom she
let get close to her, but she couldn't. "I see. Well, thank you for
letting me know."
Kes' brow furrowed. "Forgive me, Lieutenant, but you don't seem
very upset for a person who's just lost someone close to their heart."
Leena shook her head. "I don't...I know. It's strange. I can
feel the pain and hurt, but I can't...." She tried to wring the tension
out of her hands, and failed. "There's just too much. So much has
happened in the last few hours, it's like I don't have anything left to
feel."
She sighed and looked up at Kes. "It doesn't seem right, though,
like I'm betraying him."
"Oh, of course; I should have recognized it sooner. You're in
shock." Kes sat down beside her. "You have no reason to feel ashamed,
Lieutenant. It's perfectly normal human behaviour. Tom has become such
a significant part of your life that his death is overwhelming you. You'll find that once you begin to accept the loss you'll be able to
grieve for him. Just give it time."
"I...I'll try." Leena looked at her hands folded on the table. "I don't know how to thank you for this. I hardly know you."
A tiny hand clasped hers. Leena looked up. "You don't have to. Neelix and I are the ones who will never be able to repay the kindness
you and others have shown us. You gave us freedom and an opportunity to
share your journey of exploration. You've made us a part of your
community. I'm not about to take that for granted. As long as you'll
have us I'll do everything I can to help the community."
Leena regarded Kes with disguised wonder. She's so accepting of
people, even despite her cruel treatment by the Kazon-Ogla. I could
learn a lot from her, and she's only two years old! A hint of a smile
touched her lips. "I'll have to remember that the next time you need
help. If you'll excuse me, I think I should find my quarters and get
some sleep. I have a few reports I still have to finish for tomorrow's
security briefing, and I'll need to get up early."
Kes frowned slightly, but nodded. "Of course. Good night,
Lieutenant."
Sleep did not come easily for Leena that night. Her mind still
hummed with activity; she couldn't stop thinking about Tom and her
discussion with Kes. She had never thought Tom's death would affect her
as much as Kes claimed. As she thought more about it, though, she
realized that Tom really had become a major figure in her life. Even if
his intentions were less than altruistic, no one else even cared enough
to remove her from her lonely world and get her to interact with people
again. Or perhaps they did; Tom only succeeded because he stood up to
her and challenged her beliefs.
Several hours later she finally succumbed to a restless slumber,
but her mind continued to work. She dreamed that she was back home
again at Outpost 115 where her family used to live. It was a bright and
warm spring afternoon; she could smell an inviting mix of waringholly,
orange spruce, and fresh water in the mountain air. She could be
nowhere else except Amagar National Park; she recognized it from the one
time she had gone on a vacation with both her mother and father. It had
been a wonderful time exploring the natural landscape that her father
had helped create. Crossing streams, picking flowers in the meadows,
hiking the mountain trails.... She wiped the sweat off her forehead. The mid-morning sun was getting warmer and the mountain air was dry. She would get a good workout today.
"Hey, Leena! What's the hold up?"
She looked around and smiled when she spotted Tom several metres
further up the trail. "Just reliving a few memories, that's all."
He waved her over. "Come on, your folks are literally leaving us
in the dust."
"Don't worry about me, Tom. I know my way around here. Go on
ahead, I'll catch up."
"Have it your way, but don't be too long. I'm sure your parents
would love to hear some of my stories about you." He grinned
mischievously and disappeared over the crest before Leena could snap off
a retort.
She chuckled to herself. That had to be what endeared him the
most to her; Tom was a mature adult but still possessed the energy and
playfulness of a young boy. It proved invaluable when her mother
arrived with her new husband. What could have been a tense, awkward
family reunion had been made significantly more comfortable with his
quick humour and laissez-faire attitude. How could she have ever
thought that Tom wouldn't add something positive to her life?
Not wanting to fall too far behind, Leena jogged up to the crest. She saw them up ahead about twenty metres or so. It gave her a warm
feeling to see her mother and father talking and laughing with each
other, even though she knew they would never get back together. While
the thought of a having a step-father didn't sit well with Leena she
respected her mother for finally making a commitment; they had been
married for nearly two years, and had been living together for another
five. Her father certainly seemed happy for her, more than what Leena
expected. Although still single himself, he maintained that his life
was complete and he could not think to resent his ex-wife for wanting
the same. There was closure for everyone, and life was perfect.
Then the dream turned suddenly, horribly awry. The ground began
to shake and rumble. Without warning a thunderous CRACK pealed
through the valley. Leena reflexively clapped her hands over her
ringing ears, the pain almost forcing her to her knees. The ground
beneath her, however, buckled and twisted until she fell over. She
cried sharply as her ankle bent at an awkward angle. "What's
happening?" she yelled at no one.
Somehow, amid the intense pain and deafening rumble of an
earthquake she couldn't explain, Leena heard her mother scream. She
looked up and watched in terror as her family disappeared into a gaping
maw in the side of the mountain; the fissure had opened up right
underneath them. Tom was nowhere in sight.
"No!" Ignoring her twisted ankle, Leena struggled to her feet
and raced as quickly as she could to the fissure. It couldn't end this
way, it just couldn't. She dropped to her hands and knees and crawled
the remainder of the distance until she could peek down the newly
created chasm. What she saw almost made her sick with fear. Tom
literally hung off the side of the cliff, desperately clutching on to a
narrow outcropping. The others were gone. Leena knew that her father
and mother could not have survived the fall; she could not even see a
bottom to the abyss. She fought off the tears that threatened to flow
from her eyes; there was still a chance to save Tom, and it wouldn't
help to have impaired vision.
Tom looked up and saw her. "Leena! Help me!"
Leena didn't think she would ever hear his voice filled with
panic. She didn't ever want to again.
The outcropping looked to be only a metre below her, but it wasn't
wide enough for a sure foothold. With one bad ankle she would not risk
trying to climb down anyway. She chided herself for not carrying a
survival pack with her; the cord of nylon rope would have been extremely
useful. It would be no simple task to pull him up.
"Hang on!" She extended her arm as far as she could stretch, but
the tips of her fingers were still several centimetres shy of the
outcropping. "Damn, I can't reach far enough! Can you try to grab my
hand at all?"
She saw him square his jaw, putting aside panic to concentrate on
his rescue. "I might be able to vault myself up far enough to try, but
my arms are getting tired. If we miss I won't have enough strength left
to try again."
It was risky, but if they didn't try it Tom would eventually tire
out. "Then we won't miss."
"Okay. On the count of three I'll pull up, then grab your hand. Got it?"
Leena nodded. "Got it."
"Okay." He took a few deep breaths to steady himself, then he
flexed his arms to generate as much momentum as he could while he
started counting off. "One...two...three!"
Time seemed to slow to a quarter. Tom's knuckles turned white
from the increased pressure he added to lift his full weight to a new
centre of gravity. Just before his upward momentum stopped completely
he swung out with his right hand. His fingers splayed open, ready to
find Leena's outstretched palm. Leena tried to extend her arm a few
extra centimetres. His hand was so close....
His dust-caked hand solidly slapped against hers and she instantly
squeezed her fingers closed around it. Leena was almost ready to
celebrate when the law of gravity reasserted itself. The extra momentum
created by Tom's manoeuvre now worked against them. Leena grimaced as a
heavier-than-normal Tom yanked her arm. Though she gripped him with
enough force to break bones, the sweat from their hands forced her hold
to slip.
Tom's eyes widened with alarm when he realized what was happening. Desperately he tried to grab her hand with his left, but he had waited
just a moment too long. His right slid free of her grasp. He began to
plummet. Then his hands found the outcropping once more and stopped his
decent.
He looked up at her, and without saying a word Leena knew what he
was planning to do. Her stomach fluttered and her eyes stung with
salted tears. "Tom, no!"
"I want you to know that I enjoyed every minute I spent with you,
even when we didn't get along. You're a remarkable person, Leena
Calloway. I'll love you always." With his last words, he let go.
"Tom!"
Leena startled awake, still screaming his name. For a moment it
had seemed real, that she had actually watched Tom fall to his death. She took a few deep breaths to collect herself. "It was just a dream,"
she reminded herself. "That's all it was. I didn't watch him die; he's
already gone."
She jumped when a voice intruded her sanctum. "Security to
Lieutenant Calloway. I just received a report of a disturbance in your
quarters. Do you require assistance?"
Leena blushed. How loud had she been? "Calloway here. No
assistance is necessary. I, uh, had a bad dream." She winced at how
foolish her explanation sounded.
She could hear the security officer smiling. "Understood,
Lieutenant. Sorry to disturb you."
Leena sighed once the channel closed. She was fully cognizant of
the psychological significance of nightmares; Tom's death was bothering
her a whole lot more than she realized. On a subconscious level she
felt responsible for what happened, but why?
Then it dawned on her: Tom's participation in the transwarp
project was initiated by an argument they had had. She had argued that
everything he did was motivated by self-interest. To prove her wrong
Tom decided to join the same project he had scoffed only hours before. Not only that, but he had been the one to solve the problem that finally
allowed them to make the flight. He'd probably still be alive if she
hadn't been so antagonistic. She felt nauseous, as in her dream, and
shivered. Her skin was cold and clammy despite the comfortably
controlled temperature in her quarters. She touched her forehead and
stared at the thin film of perspiration on her hand.
Uncontrollably, she started sobbing.